Normally, I absolutely hate buying clothing, but over the past couple of days, I've dawdled into a few clothing shops and tried a few things on and actually picked some bits up. I ended up getting a white turtle neck jumper from Topshop, which I luckily found in the sale (Thank goodness. I don't think my bank balance could take another hit!), and a pair of ankle boots from River Island. This got me thinking a little bit about sizes, my wardrobe and my weight. At the moment, my wardrobe consists of four distinct sections of stuff.
|River Island, £45. So they look a little hooker-y, sue me.|
I have about nine pairs of jeans, all of which being the Topshop Joni Jeans in the biggest waist size that they do and in a variety of lengths- because lets face it, they are a pain in the arse to order online. Most of the time, they'll have W34 L30 and L34, but will they have 32? No they will not, and the 5ft4 inches of me do not like this one bit. So I improvise by either rolling the hems up or by saving the short ones for when the weather is warm enough to bare my ankles to the world. Now, just to conjure up some imagery for you: roughly four of these jeans are black and one pair has holes in the knees, three are dark navy (one with knee holes) and I have two bright-ish coloured ones. Why on earth do I think it's necessary for me to own nine different pairs of jeans? I'll tell you why. Being a chunky-thighed gal, you get holes. Anyone with bigger legs that orchestrate your trip around town will understand what I'm saying. The constant friction that these jeans suffer due to my thighs rubbing together produces painful, ugly and, let's be frank, bloody annoying holes. I can't tell you the amount of times I've had to take my jeans to my mum and beg for her to work her haberdashery magic on them. In short, I either need to lose a considerable amount of weight on my thighs, or I need to look elsewhere for high waisted jeans in my size.
Section two: Pyjamas.
Is it weird to keep pyjamas in your wardrobe? I don't hang them up or anything, they're neatly folded. It just occurred to me that this might seem like an odd addition, but it links back to my point so hear me out. I have so many different pyjama tops, it's ridiculous. I don't intentionally go out to buy them, so how have I procured so many? I have fallen victim to constant fluctuation. My weight is either big, bigger or "Oh my God, Katie. You have never been this big. Sort yourself out, woman.". Now, when I get down to a smaller size, I still stick to buying my original sized clothing. I do this because I am always aware that my weight can go shooting back up again in less than 6 months. This has resulted in me either: A) being far too big for my clothes, feeling too uncomfortable to wear them out in public, and therefore wear copious amounts of tops as pyjamas. Or B) losing enough weight to feel swamped in my clothes and wearing them as pyjamas. This is good in terms of never having to buy pyjamas, but bad in regards to my self esteem. (I really liked my "Casse-toi" top and now I have to wear it to bed? For shame. Now who will appreciate my French swears in lecture theatres?)
Section three: Shoes.
Stacked on top of one another, in the impossibly small foot space of my student wardrobe, are a selection of my boyfriend and my own shoes. I love shoes, which is why that space is too small for me. For a normal person, probably not. But I digress. There has always been a reason that I absolutely adore shoes, hats and handbags- but shoes are definitely the top dog of the three. Let me explain. Shoes, once you're past the age of around 16, will never not fit you. Once you reach your biggest footwear size, you will not go up or down. I will always remain a tiny size 4 and shall continue to complain about it until my dying breath. "I'm so out of proportion. How am I expected to carry such a huge frame on such a freaking small base? No wonder high heels hurt me and I can't even be bothered to wear them on nights out anymore. My life is so hard." - Just to give you a snippet of what anyone who knows me has had to deal with at least once. Back to my point, regardless of how much weight I lose or gain, my shoes will not desert me. However, fashion does, so either chuck those bad boys in a charity bag or save them for when 'creepers' come back in- remember those? Awful.
Section four: Jumpers.
Winter is the best, closely followed by autumn. Why? I get to wear my jumpers. I have three jumpers that I wear on loop- all exactly the same, just different colours. I bet you're thinking that I'm bland and boring. You might be absolutely right, but I am comfortable. My jumpers are all turtlenecks, cost me about £38 or so each and are grey, navy and mustard. I love my jumpers because they aren't too thick so that when I'm doing things I'm overheating all the time, and they aren't too thin that I freeze my everything off. All in all, they are great and I love them. Why does this matter? I find it so god damn difficult to pick out things in my size that don't show everything that I dislike about my body. My podgy stomach needs to be concealed, if only for the benefit of my own self-esteem. Whenever I find anything that I like and achieves all of my check-list points, I tend to snap it up (unless I have zero wonga, then I beg). I might get a bit down if it just looks like a huge sack-sized lump of material when strewn upon the floor, but as long as it looks good on me and I feel happy, I brush it off.
Being 20, I feel like I should have reached the stage where I should at least feel slightly comfortable in my own skin- but unless I'm by myself or with my boyfriend, I just don't. I'm constantly sucking in my tummy, making sure that my posture doesn't make anything hang over my jeans or makes my shoulders look too broad. I'm a mess sometimes; but I think that's okay. Maybe I won't ever be one hundred percent happy with my weight or size or shape or clothes, but I'm definitely going to keep trying to improve every aspect of my life- starting with the worst first.
Another ramble post today- sorry if it isn't your thing! Let me know what type of post you prefer to read on this blog. At the mid-point of January, I'd began my diet and now I'm 10lbs down. Now I just have to keep going and not muck it up, which is harder said than done. Also let me know if you find weight-related topics interesting- I know I do. I think my next post will be something to do with health and fitness (or a lack, thereof). Have a great day!